In Search of Myself Amidst the Longing

In Search of Myself Amidst the Longing

Author: Gouya Roshan (Güya Aydın )

Longing is like an endless silence that makes a home between every moment of life. Sometimes, this feeling rises from the depth of the heart, like a gentle breeze that silently passes by the heart and takes us to a world of memories and moments where we left a part of ourselves behind. Longing does not only arise from the absence of another or physical distances; it comes from voids that can only be filled by the presence of what has been lost. In this boundlessness that is called "longing," every thought, every memory, and every moment in time can gain more depth and make the feeling of loneliness stand out more, even amid the busy routine of life.

Longing is truly one of the most complex and, at the same time, one of the most beautiful human emotions. Even if the relationship with family is painful, severing ties with roots always burns a part of the heart. This feeling is natural, it is real, and it is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of being human.

I distanced myself from a relationship that hurt, but no one can order their heart not to long. Longing is always for what has not been loved, not for what has been hurtful. Sometimes, you long for something you’ve never had...

You long for people who could have been there with their kindness but weren’t. You long for an embrace you deserved but never received. You long for words and moments that should have been there but weren’t. This is my longing; I don’t miss people, I miss the empty spaces.

Of course, this longing is not eternal. Over time, it fades. It’s still there, but it no longer burns; it only rubs against me. And over time, it disappears. I do not go back because of longing. This longing is not the reason for return. It is simply the voice of a part of my soul saying, “I was wounded once.” That’s all. One can be longing and still stay strong. These two are not contradictory. Many people who grew up in tough families experience this longing, but few dare to talk about it. I am talking about it. I am releasing the pain. And this means I am on the path to healing.

I am thinking now, more than ever, what am I longing for? 

Myself? Or an opportunity I never had? Maybe I long for a version of myself that never had the chance to bloom. A childhood that should have been safe, but wasn’t; a teenager who should have been understood, but wasn’t; a youth who should have been able to breathe freely, but always stayed in the shadows. Sometimes I think, I don’t miss people, I miss times that could have been different. Paths I could have walked but were closed off to me. Shoulders that should have been there, but were always empty. And yet, the fact that today I can look at them without being crushed under their weight means I have changed. It means I have grown. It means I understand I cannot undo the past, but I can only create a better future. Sometimes, a person finds strength exactly where there was pain. And maybe this is the opportunity I never had and now I am slowly creating it for myself. Perhaps the answer to my longing is this: 

I am longing for the self who deserved to be happier, safer, and more at peace, and now my present self must create that for her.

In this time, as I have gotten older, my longings have slowly taken on a different color. It’s no longer just the regret of the past burning in my heart, but a new understanding of what was, what was lost, and what is still left, which has led me to a deeper silence. Now I realize that a lot of time has been wasted, and in that time, I have been too caught up in the useless things. Relationships that should have ended, lessons I should have learned earlier, and moments I should have embraced more in the arms of life. But at the same time, even the smaller things than ever now seem bigger to me.

Every moment I allow myself to let go of longing, every step I take toward peace and reconciliation with my past, and every embrace I give to myself, these things are now far more precious to me. Over time, a person learns that longings are always wounds from the past that sometimes must be respected and sometimes must be passed by.

Now, I no longer want to go back to a place where I have never been, nor try to make up for something that cannot be fixed. Because I know that in this long and winding journey, my greatest achievement is that I am still standing. And now, in this stage of my life, peace lies in accepting that longing is also part of life and that I am not meant to rebuild everything that has been lost. Instead, I must embrace what is and what can be built.

Perhaps today, my longing is for the fact that I have been able to get through all the hard days and still have faith in myself. Every longing is a lesson. And now, after the passage of time, these lessons are no longer wounds; they are ways to find myself in a world that is full of change and transformation. Perhaps today, I am longing for myself…not for a lost past, but for the person I have become over the years, in a form that is perhaps better than ever, the person I was always meant to be. And this, this is the best thing I could have learned from time and its longings.