Tired of a world that was supposed to be my refuge,

Tired of a world that was supposed to be my refuge,

Author: Gouya Roshan (Güya Aydın ) 

The world, which should be a sanctuary, a place of love and peace for me, has worn me out over the years as it resembles a piece of land full of wounds.
A world where compassion is rare, where people, sometimes without even realizing it, hurt each other with harsh words or indifferent gazes…
I must confess, I am tired of this reality.
Every time I wanted to feel safety and peace next to my closest family members, something trembled inside me, went silent, or broke.
I don’t know exactly when it all started.
Maybe it was in my childhood, when I didn’t understand why I had to pay so much attention to my behavior…
Maybe it was because there was no one to claim my feelings…
Or maybe it was when I opened my heart, reached out to someone, and when the warm embrace I imagined turned into a cold wall…
Or when I had to fight, be silent, retreat, and always feel that my very existence was "too much" to maintain a relationship…
Every time I tried to approach my loved ones, something in the depths of my soul went silent; it was as if a part of my peace could not endure their noise.
Naturally compassionate, emotional, creative, and understanding, I slowly became anxious, reactive, and distant.
I was no longer the person I once knew — neither the delicate soul I had once been, nor the person I wanted to become…
For years, I remained silent, endured, and fought within myself.
I thought the problem was with me; maybe if I were more patient, everything would improve.
I hoped that if I spoke less, got angry less, dreamed less… maybe peace would come.
But it didn’t.
Every time I tried to express myself, inside or outside, a voice rejected me.
I felt like I had to shrink, even disappear, to be accepted by my family.
I learned to hide my pain, not to share my struggles, to play a role that wasn’t mine — just to keep my relationships from falling apart.
But the cost was very high.
My inner peace shattered; my personality was worn down under misunderstandings and recurring resentments.
The closer I got to them, the further I got from myself; the strangest loneliness is the one felt in the presence of people who should be close.
This loneliness buries the soul in a heavy silence.
Sometimes I wonder:
Maybe the tired and exhausted person inside me today is not anyone’s fault.
Maybe it’s the natural reaction of a soul trying to breathe in an environment that has been cold, narrow, unsaid, and unseen for years.
Like a flower that stays in the shadow all the time, wilting not because it is worthless, but because it didn’t get enough light.
I am that flower in the shadow;
Not withered, just weak, wounded, and waiting for a fresh breath…
Then one day, perhaps at the peak of my exhaustion, I realized I couldn’t go on.
Every time I tried to stay, I understood that a part of my soul went silent.
I saw that repeating the same cycles only took me further away from myself.
I realized that no relationship — even the most precious one — was worth losing my self-respect and inner peace.
And I decided to distance myself.
Not with anger,
Not with hatred,
Not to punish anyone…
I chose to distance myself because there was no way to stay without causing further wounds.
I wanted to rediscover myself — the calm, compassionate, alive, and honest me, buried under years of pain, misunderstandings, and imposed roles…
Distance is not always a cut; sometimes, it’s a cure.
Sometimes distance is the last cry of a suffocating soul.
Distance means:
“Even if I need to stay away from you for a while, I want to return to myself.”
Yes, sometimes stepping away is not the worst choice.
Sometimes, it is the only way back to yourself.
Sometimes, it is the only salvation — allowing the wound to heal slowly, making space for the inner voice, and giving life the chance to begin again in a safe place…
And now I know:
To love someone, I must first save myself.
To let that peaceful soul rise from within, I must allow it to awaken in silence, in distance, in a free breath.
I am tired… but I still have hope.
And this hope is the beginning of my return.